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Your trusted guide to value yourself and break the patterns of codependency Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition is the most comprehensive book on the topic to date.
- Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You
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- Conquering Shame and Codependency
Audible Premium Plus. Cancel anytime. Written in plain English and packed with sensitive, authoritative information, Codependency for Dummies , 2nd Edition describes the history, symptoms, causes, and relationship dynamics of codependency. By: Darlene Lancer. A source of healing and inspiration for millions, this modern classic spent over three years on the New York Times best seller list and made codependency a household word.
Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You
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Details if other :. Thanks for telling us about the problem. Return to Book Page. Shame, and doubting one's worth can be debilitating. Unemploment and isolation as a result of the pandemic can fuel these negative feelings. Darlene Lancer's book offers help for this particularly hard time. S Shame, and doubting one's worth can be debilitating.
For some, shame lurks in the unconscious, undermining self-esteem, destroying confidence, and leading to codependency. These codependent relationships--where we overlook our own needs and desires as we try to care for, protect, or please another--often cover up abuse, addiction, or other harmful behaviors.
Shame and codependency feed off one another, making us feel stuck, never able to let go, move on, and become the true self we were meant to be. She then provides eight steps to heal from shame, learn to love yourself, and develop healthy relationships.
Get A Copy. Paperback , pages. More Details Other Editions 5. Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about Conquering Shame and Codependency , please sign up. Be the first to ask a question about Conquering Shame and Codependency.
Lists with This Book. This book is not yet featured on Listopia. Community Reviews. Showing Average rating 4. Rating details. More filters. Sort order. Sep 10, Melody Daggerhart rated it it was amazing. Notes of Interest: I usually start my reviews by talking about how or why I read a book. But I never really paid attention to it beyond that, until I watched a TV show that brought up the topic.
Out of curiosity, I Googled it. And to my surprise, I had the description and definition all wrong. In one sense codependency is like being addicted to an addict, but it is so much more. It was no surprise, however, to discover I had 16 out of 20 traits for codependency … according to a little quiz I found. I was so blown away by how much influence this previously unknown term had over my life, from childhood all through adulthood.
So, I had to find out more. I downloaded two e-books on the subject, and this was the first. This book is so relevant to my life that every page has at least one highlight or note.
But as I scrolled through my notes and highlights this time, I laughed. So, there is no way I can condense everything I want to say about this book into one little blog review, but I will try to hit the major take-aways. What could have made it better for me: This book uses very clear language and has well-researched content presented with maximum relativity.
No technical errors pulled my attention away. And I love that each chapter ends with questions to work on as a follow-up activity in a journal.
I have no suggestions for improvements. It was educational, useful, and met my expectations perfectly. And as always, I love it when I can find nothing to say under this heading. The reason for the focus on shame is because the author saw so many codependency connections to shame that she felt it deserved a book all to itself. She discusses the sources of shame in our lives and how they can lead to codependent behaviors traits.
This book taught me that the list of symptoms for codependency is long and often seems contradictory. Low self-esteem, self-sacrifice, and inability to express feelings are all major traits of codependency — in other words, being a doormat.
But an inflated sense of self-esteem, assertiveness, perfectionism, and manipulation of others are also codependency traits because there are different kinds of codependents and different circumstances that breed codependency. One of the main traits of codependency is the presence of a loved one who has an addiction or some other form of compulsive behavior which, intentionally or unintentionally, controls the lives of those around him.
It could be an alcoholic or drug addict. Or the compulsive behavior could take the form of shopping, sex, gambling, gaming or other addictions. The compulsive behavior could be an eating disorder. It could even be behavior compelled by religious or social customs. For the codependent, the type of addiction is secondary. In fact the addict is usually another codependent, since codependency often leads to compulsive behaviors.
But the compulsive and codependent behaviors are always self-destructive and destructive to those around them. It takes only one person with a compulsive behavior disorder to affect as many as people around them, producing codependents among spouses, children, parents, friends, and co-workers. I learned there are three kinds of codependents. She could be an accommodater who builds her world around the addict, trying to keep him happy, trying to be the glue that holds things together, trying to love and rescue, trying to be loyal, sacrificing herself and her life to keep things as calm and smooth as possible.
Or codependents can be masters of manipulation, needing to control everyone else around them in order for them to be happy and comfortable and okay. There is an in-between type of codependent, too — the bystander who distances herself and emotionally detaches leaving a void in the relationship.
But most codependents are a combination of these traits depending on the circumstances. The codependent can become depressed and distraught, or enraged, when her efforts to control the situation or rescue the person fail.
This book puts most of its effort into education about the topic: breaking down the sources of codependency, the traits of codependency, and the types of codependency. The author points out that codependency is a learned pattern of behavior that is usually passed on generation to generation. So, learning how to identify it can unravel past abuses, uproot illogical thinking or harmful decisions as a result, and make us aware, so that we can not only recover from current bad relationships, but hopefully break the cycle before it takes root in good or new relationships.
The book ends with discussion and steps on how to do that, and I can summarize it in two words: self care. Detach and focus on yourself. You stop relying on your defenses or others for your contentment. By loving yourself, you can begin to love and relate deeply and authentically to others. Recommendation: Learning and reading about codependency has been a huge eye-opener for me. It has already changed my life in small, subtle ways.
But as the book says, recovery is about aiming for progress, not perfection. I feel like ME again. This book complemented my readings on mindfulness and effectiveness because they all reiterate the principles of being aware, being present, and focusing on changing oneself, rather than obsessing over and trying to change other people or circumstances beyond our control. This book is an excellent starting point for learning what codependency is and how to retrain the behavior patterns because of how thoroughly it identifies the problems and characteristics, and gives comprehensive exercises to chew on while working through the food for thought.
I will be purchasing more copies to give as gifts for a few loved ones whom I think will benefit from learning about this sooner rather than later, and I already know of one other family member who found it astonishingly relative and helpful. As Amazon. Learn how to heal from their destructive hold by implementing eight steps that will empower the real you, and lead to healthier relationships. The shame experience 2. Shame and Identity 3. Escaping Shame 4. Emptiness 5. Shame and Symptoms of codependency 6.
Love's Silent Killer 7. Sexual Shame 8. Yes, steps to get over codependency. The information in this book was beyond my expectations, and I learned more about shame and how it can stem from childhood onto adulthood.
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Conquering Shame and Codependency
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Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. Shame can be described as a sense of inadequacy about who you are, how you behave and what you value. In the process of recovery, victims must let go of the shame and recognize that both the responsibility and the guilt belong to the person who committed the offense. If the problem is yours from your past, go to Step 5.
By Darlene Lancer.
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